Lost

I’m lost… I’ve been lost or so it seems for weeks and weeks. In all honesty it’s probably been years.

Almost 10 years ago a very good friend told me that she saw signs of depression in me and she knew this because her brother had suffered depression. She was concerned for me and didn’t want to see me hurting. I blew her off… I was fine I told her… there was nothing wrong… I didn’t need to talk to anyone about anything… least of all I didn’t need to go to therapy.

Time passed and I lost that friend in my divorce.

She was right. She was 100%, absolutely right without a doubt. I was suffering from depression, but I refused to acknowledge it because I didn’t think that it was affecting me or my daily life. As I look back at that time I couldn’t have been more wrong.

More time passed and the depression seemed to have…. subsided for lack of better words. Really, it was more or less in remission.

It came back.

It came back with a vengeance and brought along it’s good friend anxiety and since mid-October it’s like my life has been a living hell. An emotional roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off no matter what I do. Ups… downs… fears… hurt… crying… tension… sleepless nights… upset stomach… not being able to eat… It’s been terrible and I’ve been barely getting by daily and have looked forward to bedtime when I can just go to sleep and not think, not worry, and forget about it all (unless it’s one of those sleepless nights).

There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed and I’d just rather sleep the day away.

There were times that I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried and cried.

Yes, there were even times that I wondered if everyone would be better off without me.

This time I recognized the symptoms and knew that I didn’t want to live like this… I couldn’t live like this. I had to do something.

I started shopping around for a therapists. Holy crap…. it’s freakin’ hard to get into see one! These are some seriously busy people! I’ve managed to get in to see the nurse at the therapists office and after a lengthy discussion I was sent on my way with two prescriptions and an appointment to meet with the therapist. But it couldn’t happen soon enough.

I turned to the program at work to that is available on a short term basis to help employees with issues that are affecting their lives and therefore their job. So far I’ve had 3 meetings with the licensed counselor/pastor that runs the program. Pastor you ask? Yes, he is both counselor and pastor…. and you’re right if you know in saying… hey, you’re not really a religious person.

The meetings with him have helped me understand a lot of things and because I’m seeing another therapist we’ve moved on to religion and the roll that it plays in my life and where I am with it. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and especially after reading the book by Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow.

Now, with an open mind and open heart I am trying to heal my mind, my soul, and my heart. They’re all connected I think and make me whole… or not whole which is where I am now.

What I really want is to be whole again.

I want to be the best mom… the one that my kids deserve.

I want to be a good wife… the one that my husband signed up for and thought that he was getting.

I want to a good friend, a good employee, and most of all I just want my life back.

I am going to do whatever it takes to heal.

I will say that with the help of two incredible friends…. one in real life and one online… I have made progress and no longer feel like I am alone in this. I am ever so grateful for the conversations that I’ve had with them, their caring words, their friendship, and their love. They have lifted me up when I was at my lowest and are always there for me. I don’t know that I could ever repay them for all they’ve done.

You know that commercial on TV…. depression hurts… it’s true. Every. Damn. Word.

I am finding my way, slowly. But I will no longer be lost.

This may have sounded a bit disjointed and that is because I simply wrote… no editing… just wrote.

┬áThis week I’m linking up with Mama Kat for her World Famous Writer’s Workshop with the prompt: Talk about a problem you tackled this week. And because this is a difficult time for me and a difficult post to get out I’m linking up Shell from Things I Can’t Say for PYHO.

A week of anger

My first thought was to just skip the post for today and play around on Pinterest for a while. It mostly made sense since I hadn’t been there in a while, but the post won for a few reasons. 1) It’s been on my mind and I really think I’ll feel better if I write and 2) Pinterest will be there waiting for me as soon as this post is finished.

Last week was a bad week for me. Really bad and I don’t know why, what caused it, or how to prevent it from happening again.

It was all me. 100% me.

I was angry at everything and everyone and I knew it… I was able to see it but I couldn’t make it stop.

I was in a terrible mood. I recognized this as well and as hard as I tried I couldn’t shake it or keep it from affecting everything in my life.

I was very low on patience. This is a bad thing when you have a very busy toddler who barely slows down when he has a double ear infection AND pink eye.

There were highs and lows all week long and I had a dull headache for more than half of the week from it all. Maybe the headache was the root cause of my bad week or the constant state of cold, wet weather. PMS? Possibly, but my good friend Mirena has blocked our dear Aunt Flo from visiting so it’s hard to tell anymore. I honestly do not know what it was.

The littlest things would set me off and I’d snap at someone or worse yet I’d yell at them, especially when my patience wore to thin. It was something that I didn’t feel like I could control no matter what I did. And I tried…. but I don’t think that it was enough.

The worst part about it was that I knew I was in a bad mood and feeling angry… I knew it. I could feel it’s grip on me all day long. All I wanted was to be left alone… totally alone. I didn’t want to go anywhere, help anyone, make dinner, or even go to work. Alone with my Diet Coke or any other pop (soda) and my books.

My books were the one place I could get lost and mostly forget about the anger that encompassed me all week. Books were the place that I found some bit of solace. I was alone in my books where nobody bothered me or wore my patience thinner than they already were.

To say that I felt terrible was an understatement. Feeling like you’re that angry and in such a bad mood makes it a challenge to be a good parent… hell, it makes it hard to me a mediocre parent. I feel like I let me kids and family down because I wasn’t the person I should be… I wasn’t the person that they deserve.

This is the first time that I’ve felt like this… my hope is that it’s also the last.

some days

Courtesy of Pinterest

This week has been better. A lot better.

I’m tired though and there is a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. It’s like the weight of the anger & the bad mood has been lifted and my body is now bearing the marks that are left behind from the previous week.

Did writing this help? A little. I will tell you that I have not gone back to edit this at all for fear that I’d change it to much from my original thoughts and feelings as I wrote. It’s better this way I think.

Linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out.