Noah

Welcome back to another installment of Becca & Jake’s story. I think it’s time I come up with a title for this don’t you? I am open to suggestions! What do you think?

Mandi’s phone rang as she scooted to the edge of the couch so she could reach it and of course given her size and how fast she’d been moving lately she missed the call.

“Figures…” she mumbled as she looked at the caller ID. “What the hell…again?” She hit redial and waited for him to answer.

“Hi,” Jake said. “How are you doing?”

“I look and feel like a beached whale…. but other than that I’m alright I guess.”

“How’d your last appointment go?” He asked.

“Any day now is what they told me so I’m just sitting here and waiting.” Mandi paused for a moment and finally asked, “Do you think you’ll be here in time?”

“Yea,” he said. “I’m leaving tomorrow and should be there late in the evening.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mandi let out a blood curdling scream as she held on tight to Jake’s hand.

“Good job, Mandi!” The doctor said. “One more and you’re done.”

With one more push Jake watched his son born and then handed over to Mandi.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead as he gently touched his son…. lost for words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jake carried the car seat with Noah all bundled in it up into the house while Mandi took their bags into the bedroom.

“The nursery looks great,” he said as he peaked around the corner.

“Thanks,” Mandi replied. She didn’t really have a lot to say to him. She knew that he was leaving the next day and wouldn’t be back for a long time. It shouldn’t bother her… she knew that he had a life to return to and she had the most beautiful baby to raise.

“Are you ok?” Jake asked as he walked into the kitchen with the baby in his arms. “You seem distant.”

“I’m fine,” she replied. “I just don’t want things to get to comfortable… you’re leaving.”

“Mandi… I’m sorry… you know I have to.” He held his son close to him and looked down at him. “You know I’ll do anything I can to help you and I’m always going to be there for him. I just need time to talk to Becca and explain things.”

“I know,” she replied. “But she’s going to know that something is going on if you don’t tell her soon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jake left mid morning after Mandi got up and around for the day.

When she finally got the baby to sleep and went to lay down on her bed she found an envelope lying on her pillow and when she opened it up she found close to $2000 in there with a note from Jake.

Mandi,

I know I can’t always be there for our son, but I hope that this helps for a bit.

Jake

Mandi held it close to her as the tears fell.

Write On Edge: Red-Writing-Hood

This week, write a fiction or creative non-fiction piece about a time one of your main characters finds himself or herself paying back a debt–financial or otherwise

12 Responses to Noah
  1. Tina
    April 13, 2012 | 7:06 am

    Perfect! Noah is a great name for a kid, btw. In the middle of the part about bringing the baby home, you call Mandi “Becca”–oops! Other than that momentary confusion, I loved it!

  2. Carrie
    April 13, 2012 | 9:24 am

    Hmmm…well I’m not as familiar with the entire story so has make had an affair with mandi while he’s married to becca?

    I understand that the word limit meant some parts had to be rushed but I hope if you ever go back you flesh out some of the details of those little flashes. I think it would make the piece so much stronger with some sensory details, especially since there is so much emotion involved in these scenes.

    • Carrie
      April 13, 2012 | 9:25 am

      Gha, stupid autocorrect. It should read Jake, not make :p

  3. lexy
    April 13, 2012 | 10:32 am

    ooh, I know it’s meant to be a kindness, but way to make Mandi feel cheap, leaving money before he leaves! Classy guy. I have serious doubts about his ability to tell Becca about this.

  4. Victoria KP
    April 13, 2012 | 1:44 pm

    He doesn’t think 2 grand gets him out of this, does he?

  5. shelton keys dunning
    April 13, 2012 | 1:53 pm

    I’d name it Jake’s Folly. Dude keeps finding trouble. :)

    Concrit: the following seem rushed:

    “Mandi’s phone rang as she scooted to the edge of the couch so she could reach it and of course given her size and how fast she’d been moving lately she missed the call.”

    and

    “When she finally got the baby to sleep and went to lay down on her bed she found an envelope lying on her pillow and when she opened it up she found close to $2000 in there with a note from Jake.”

    These could use more show and less tell I think, (which I know is difficult to achieve with restrictive word limits). Other than that, I think you did a great job with the prompt and it’s good to know that Jake is at least trying to do the right thing by Mandi. I love this line (typo though): “I’m fine,” she replied. “I just don’t want things to get too comfortable…” Totally something I would say in that situation. Well done!

  6. SAM
    April 13, 2012 | 4:31 pm

    This is a helluva debt to pay, but you showcased it very well.

    I found the last couple lines of the middle scene where she is giving birth a bit choppy. There seem to be words omitted, and I’m not entirely sure you did it on purpose. Example: “With one more push Jake watched his son born and then handed over to Mandi.” Should it be watched his son BE born?

    Do you use word to craft your stories? It can do more than just spell check now. I discovered it can help with grammar, punctuation and even PASSIVE Voice situations. It had gone a long way in improving my writing, even to the point where I catch myself finding them before Word does. Just wanted to let you know.

    Jake does seem to be getting into a lot of trouble. What about Playing with Fire for a title?

  7. Cameron
    April 13, 2012 | 9:53 pm

    Shelton points out two great examples of places where showing v. telling would enhance your scenes, but I venture to say it can be done inside the word limits.

    “Mandi’s phone rang as she scooted to the edge of the couch so she could reach it and of course given her size and how fast she’d been moving lately she missed the call.” (34)

    a possible alternative: Mandy’s phone rang. As she heaved herself towards it, stretching over her pregnant belly, the ringing stopped. She sighed as it went to voicemail. (24)

    Choosing specific verbs that convey heaviness and burden, you’re slowing the reader and the character down, so you don’t have to say she’s slow and big. Letting the call go to voicemail, shows us she’s missed it and the sigh shows that wasn’t her intention. It’s not a perfect example by any means, but it does illustrate that economy of words and showing can work together.

    As far as the content, Jackie, I can’t think of a better way to create tension in the narrative than this kind of debt. Great choices there.

    • Cameron
      April 13, 2012 | 9:59 pm

      Ack! Mandi! Sorry…

  8. angela
    April 13, 2012 | 10:27 pm

    There is absolutely debt to be paid here, and I am nervous for all of them to see how it pays out.

    Something that seemed out of place was his question to her about seeming distant. It implies that they have a closer relationship than I thought. (Maybe I was just under the wrong impression, and they have had more contact and emotional commitment to each other since the time she called to tell him about the baby.)

    When is he going to tell Becca? :)

  9. Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    April 14, 2012 | 7:45 am

    I’d rather have him that the money!

  10. Brain Tomahawk
    April 15, 2012 | 4:41 pm

    Ok, well you got me hooked :). Using prompts/challenges for expanding a story is a great idea. I will definitely make some time to go through this story. Thanks for sharing and building on it!

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