Never

This post has been swimming around in my head for a few days and I’m finally getting around to writing it. I’m not sure why it’s taken so long… I guess life and everything got in the way.

Anyway, here it goes.

When I was younger I would fight with my sister, do something wrong, irritate my mom, or whatever it is that kids do to get in trouble. My mom would yell, threaten, and eventually follow through with one of the threats. Worse yet… ground me (I hated being grounded). Chances are there were times that I actually deserved it regardless of the fact that I’m sure I was never at fault and it was always my sisters fault.

There were times though that nobody did anything wrong.

There were more times than not that I’d say to myself, ‘I will never do that when I’m a parent’ or ‘I won’t talk that way when I’m a parent’ or ‘I’ll never act like that when I have kids’.

never

Never say never.

As time goes by something has happened… something scary and something that I never thought would happen. I am turning into my mom and I’m finding myself doing all of those things that I always told myself that I would never do. I hate it. I hate ever single time it happens. The sad thing is that I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until after the fact and then I pause and want to literally kick myself.

I often wonder is it part of our genetic makeup that we will inevitably turn into our parents. Maybe behaviors are just part of who we are like the color of our eyes, the exact shade of brown hair that one of our parents has, or how you can tell that people are siblings. I question it all the time.

I didn’t have the best childhood and there is quite a bit that I don’t remember. Most of that time was before I moved out of my moms house and in with my dad and stepmom. I never want to act the way she did or treat my kids in a similar manner and I have gone out of my way (obviously not enough) to not be that person and to be a good mom, to give my kids everything they need/want, and to always be there.

I’ve made it a point lately to really think before I speak, to be more open, and make sure that when I do and how I act is me and not the way my mom acted. I won’t lie… it’s not easy, but I am determined to do this and not continue to turn into her.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I do love my mom and wish that she where here to be a part of my life as well as her grandkids, but sometimes life doesn’t go the way we expect it.

My kids will always be important to me, they will always know that I love them, and that I will do whatever I can to support them in what they do. I don’t want the their memories of me to be of them upset with them, yelling at them, or anything like that.

Do you ever find yourself noticing traits or actions that your parents did when you were a kid? Did you ever say that you’d never do something once you became a parent?

It’s a little late but I’m linking up with Shell for her weekly linky… Pour Your Heart Out.┬áStop by her place and see what others are talking about this week.