I’m lost… I’ve been lost or so it seems for weeks and weeks. In all honesty it’s probably been years.

Almost 10 years ago a very good friend told me that she saw signs of depression in me and she knew this because her brother had suffered depression. She was concerned for me and didn’t want to see me hurting. I blew her off… I was fine I told her… there was nothing wrong… I didn’t need to talk to anyone about anything… least of all I didn’t need to go to therapy.

Time passed and I lost that friend in my divorce.

She was right. She was 100%, absolutely right without a doubt. I was suffering from depression, but I refused to acknowledge it because I didn’t think that it was affecting me or my daily life. As I look back at that time I couldn’t have been more wrong.

More time passed and the depression seemed to have…. subsided for lack of better words. Really, it was more or less in remission.

It came back.

It came back with a vengeance and brought along it’s good friend anxiety and since mid-October it’s like my life has been a living hell. An emotional roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off no matter what I do. Ups… downs… fears… hurt… crying… tension… sleepless nights… upset stomach… not being able to eat… It’s been terrible and I’ve been barely getting by daily and have looked forward to bedtime when I can just go to sleep and not think, not worry, and forget about it all (unless it’s one of those sleepless nights).

There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed and I’d just rather sleep the day away.

There were times that I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried and cried.

Yes, there were even times that I wondered if everyone would be better off without me.

This time I recognized the symptoms and knew that I didn’t want to live like this… I couldn’t live like this. I had to do something.

I started shopping around for a therapists. Holy crap…. it’s freakin’ hard to get into see one! These are some seriously busy people! I’ve managed to get in to see the nurse at the therapists office and after a lengthy discussion I was sent on my way with two prescriptions and an appointment to meet with the therapist. But it couldn’t happen soon enough.

I turned to the program at work to that is available on a short term basis to help employees with issues that are affecting their lives and therefore their job. So far I’ve had 3 meetings with the licensed counselor/pastor that runs the program. Pastor you ask? Yes, he is both counselor and pastor…. and you’re right if you know in saying… hey, you’re not really a religious person.

The meetings with him have helped me understand a lot of things and because I’m seeing another therapist we’ve moved on to religion and the roll that it plays in my life and where I am with it. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and especially after reading the book by Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow.

Now, with an open mind and open heart I am trying to heal my mind, my soul, and my heart. They’re all connected I think and make me whole… or not whole which is where I am now.

What I really want is to be whole again.

I want to be the best mom… the one that my kids deserve.

I want to be a good wife… the one that my husband signed up for and thought that he was getting.

I want to a good friend, a good employee, and most of all I just want my life back.

I am going to do whatever it takes to heal.

I will say that with the help of two incredible friends…. one in real life and one online… I have made progress and no longer feel like I am alone in this. I am ever so grateful for the conversations that I’ve had with them, their caring words, their friendship, and their love. They have lifted me up when I was at my lowest and are always there for me. I don’t know that I could ever repay them for all they’ve done.

You know that commercial on TV…. depression hurts… it’s true. Every. Damn. Word.

I am finding my way, slowly. But I will no longer be lost.

This may have sounded a bit disjointed and that is because I simply wrote… no editing… just wrote.

┬áThis week I’m linking up with Mama Kat for her World Famous Writer’s Workshop with the prompt: Talk about a problem you tackled this week. And because this is a difficult time for me and a difficult post to get out I’m linking up Shell from Things I Can’t Say for PYHO.

27 Responses to Lost
  1. Steph
    December 11, 2013 | 9:20 am

    I give you huge hugs, but also high fives. This time around, you’re recognizing the issue, and taking steps to deal with it, which is HUGE. Keep going with talking to the pastor – I’ve been back at church for a year now, and it’s ridiculous how much has changed for the better in my life because of it. Keep going. Just keep going. You’ve got this, and we’ve got your back.

  2. Nicolette Springer
    December 11, 2013 | 9:28 am

    Oh Jackie, I’m so sorry to hear you are in pain but relieved to know you are getting help and trying to heal. I’ve dealt with similar battles and I know that taking those first steps are insanely difficult. I’m so proud of you! Feel free to reach out if you need anything.

  3. Kendra
    December 11, 2013 | 9:58 am

    Thank you so much for sharing this! I’ve struggled with depression for years and just this year I finally decided to get help. I was put on medication and saw a therapist. This helped tremendously. Getting help for myself also helped my husband better understand what I was going through and not think I was just being a difficult wife. I too, closed myself in the bathroom to cry and I’ve had sleepless nights. Now that I recognize the signs of my depression I am working on being a better wife and mom.

  4. Kate @ Mommy Monologues
    December 11, 2013 | 10:25 am

    I’m so glad that you are starting to get better & that you are seeking out help! I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this, it’s so hard! Bravo! You can do this!

  5. Tina @ Life Without Pink
    December 11, 2013 | 10:43 am

    Jackie I’m so sorry you are going through this. But so glad that you are getting help and trying to work through it….you are an amazing person. I know so many others can relate to what you are going through and by sharing your story you will help others :)

  6. Jennifer
    December 11, 2013 | 11:02 am

    You know what I feel when I read this… hope. Yes. Hope. Because you are facing it and doing something about it and that is a good thing. An amazing things. Lots of people bury their head in the sand and hope it will go away, but you aren’t doing that. And that is AMAZING.

  7. Nicole Morgan
    December 11, 2013 | 12:03 pm

    In exactly one hour I meet with a therapist … hitting rock bottom emotionally and having no where to turn for the health and wellbeing of my children – I am hoping that we will all visit with her in the next short while I am holding onto hope. Hope is all there is this now in this dark place … we will hold virtual hands and take our baby steps … love always dear friend xxxx

  8. Mrs. Weber
    December 11, 2013 | 12:50 pm

    Aww, this makes my heart hurt, Jackie. But you are not alone! I have many friends battling depression right now as well. This time of year it seems to be even more brutal :/ I applaud you for not only reaching out for help, but for putting yourself out there on here. It takes a lot of courage to write out your feelings in a public forum (but can be SO therapeutic I’ve learned!). I hope you continue to focus on the things that make you the happiest (even if that means cutting out social media for awhile), and know that we all are works-in-progress. HUGS. xox

  9. Ashley @ Its-fitting
    December 11, 2013 | 1:02 pm

    Hang in there friend. It makes me sad that you’re going through it, but happy that you’ve decided to reach out for help. It gets better…


  10. Jill
    December 11, 2013 | 1:58 pm

    Love you and your strength to take control.

  11. Wendy
    December 11, 2013 | 1:59 pm

    I’ve been there, Jackie. I’m glad you’re seeking help. And while I’m all for meds for depression and anxiety, please tell me you aren’t taking Effexor. DM me if you want more info!

  12. Miya Goodrich
    December 11, 2013 | 2:06 pm

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there too, it’s no joke and it’s no fun. I’m glad you’ve reached out to get some help in this situation. Once you tackle the core of the problem, it will get easier to deal with. Many hugs to you! XOXO

  13. Emily
    December 11, 2013 | 2:14 pm

    Oh man!! I know how hard this can be. I’ve suffered with Anxiety my whole life and it can be crippling. I hope you find the help you need and your path out. So many people never ask for help, so you are already on a great path. Hugs!!

  14. Jessica @FoundtheMarbles
    December 11, 2013 | 2:44 pm

    So, so proud of you for putting this out there in the universe. It is a huge step. I’ve been there. You are on your way!

  15. Amanda
    December 11, 2013 | 4:19 pm

    (((Huge Hugs)))
    Just know that you are supported, loved and not alone.

  16. Aleta
    December 11, 2013 | 4:33 pm

    *hugs* Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. This is going to help another person reading it and relating to it, even if that person never acknowledges it to you, just know that you are helping not just yourself but others as well.

    You’re going through a lot and you’re taking many steps to help you through it. I think that’s beautiful and courageous.

  17. Winter
    December 11, 2013 | 6:02 pm

    Jackie, I am so so sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so thankful to have met you in person and think you’re so wonderful. I’m very glad you recognized the symptoms and got help. I’m sharing your post because I know someone who needs to know she’s not alone right now!

  18. Tim@sogeshirts
    December 11, 2013 | 7:05 pm

    Hey Jackie. I’ve been there too. A whole year doing nothing. Every day worse than the previous day. Realizing that you are depressed is definitely the first step, as well as trying to do something about it.

    It will get better eventually as long as you get support from friends and family.

  19. Kimberly
    December 11, 2013 | 7:13 pm

    So glad you shared with us…I’ve been struggling lately too. It’s SO good to know we’re not alone. I can hear the resolve in your voice. You’re on your way back to normal (or even better than that!). Huge hugs to you…and positive healing thoughts headed your way.

  20. Carrie Baughcum
    December 11, 2013 | 7:46 pm

    I feel so terrible that I had no idea. I know you may say…how would you know. My heart feels for you but I am just so incredibly proud of you. I sit here reading your post cheering and cheering and wishing and hoping that this story will have a good ending an ending that has my new friends winning. You are incredible JACKIE!! What strength you have to come out and share with us your story, to reach out and ask for help, to do what you did and to work on what you are working on. I am in awww of your strength and what you are doing. I am so very proud of you and I hope your journey continues down this path!!!XXOXOXOXO

  21. Shell
    December 12, 2013 | 10:50 am

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I’m so glad that you are able to talk to someone. Sending you lots of love. xo

  22. Kir
    December 12, 2013 | 3:24 pm

    sweet stuff, don’t worry I will always come and find you. I have felt like this so many times (so many I can’t count them) but I stand in awe of you doing what you needed to do to make it right, to pull yourself from the bed, the ledge, the dark and come into the light.

    I think I’ll be feeling like you are soon enough and I’m going to remember to reach out for help as soon as I see the backslide instead of waiting for the really dark days.

    I love you..I see you and I’ll find you.

  23. Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
    December 13, 2013 | 1:37 pm

    I’ve experienced this in valleys so low I just didn’t know if I’d surface, and I think it was when my dad died and I couldn’t pull through the darkness for nearly two years that I went for help. For me, anti-depressants did the trick. I will never go through life without them again. The world is in color again, not gray and I’m not living a flat-line life anymore. There is joy, there is happiness. I adore and love you, Jackie! Hugs and prayers!

  24. Kat
    December 15, 2013 | 2:49 pm

    I’ve had experiences like that where I completely shut someone’s suggestion down just because the thought of it irritated me a little. I’ve learned to question myself and found that usually if I have a strong negative response to what they’re saying, it’s because they’re right a little bit and I don’t want them to be. I’m glad your friend planted that seed so that when you were ready to face it you had an idea of what you were working with. Even if you did lose her in the divorce, it sounds like she served a good purpose for you!

  25. Julie
    December 20, 2013 | 12:56 pm

    Stopping by from PYHO. Your first sentence made me catch my breath. That’s how I have been feeling for weeks now, too. Depression is scary..and dark. I hope and pray you find some relief and the clouds soon lift. Hugs from a stranger who understands…

  26. Marta
    January 21, 2014 | 3:54 pm

    =( I’m sorry that I missed this, that I didn’t know. The worst part of depression is feeling alone. Like somehow everything you do isn’t good enough, and no one cares anyway so why try? Oh, I could talk to you about all the bad parts of depression for hours. But the MOST, single most important thing is acknowledging that it doesn’t have to be this way. That it shouldn’t be this way. I’m so happy that you’ve found help and solace in others!!

  27. Friday Wrap-Up | A Lady In France
    February 7, 2014 | 11:45 am

    [...] also delves into the usual challenges life throws our way, and even goes into the deeper struggles. This one is about depression and anxiety, and it’s one of the reasons I can connect with Jackie. I [...]

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